Couples Counseling: The Importance of Language
Georgia Family Therapy provides couples counseling specialized in improving communication. We are located in Sandy Springs and we are easily accessible to the Atlanta area. Schedule a free 15-minute consultation right now at https://www.georgiafamilytherapy.com/free-consultation or by phone at 678-888-1717.
Communication is one of the core tenets of couples counseling. How we communicate with our partner reveals a lot about the underlying relationship and it can even predict relationship outcomes. A 1999 study from the Gottman Institute showed that we are able to predict divorce over a 6-year period based solely on the first 3 minutes of a marital conflict discussion. This study found that the couples who stayed together 6 years later started their discussions with less negative emotion, displayed more expressions of positivity, and were less critical of each other than the couples who divorced (How to fight smarter: Soften your start-up).
Positive language is a broad term that covers a variety of different communication styles and tactics that promote healthy discussion, longevity, empathy, and security. So, what are some examples of the positive language that this study refers to?
Examples of positive language
Using "I" statements instead of "you" statements
In a 2018 study, when posed with hypothetical scenarios, participants rated I-language as the best strategy to open a conflict discussion and rated you-statements as more defensive (Rogers et. al.). Starting your sentences with “I” center how you feel and what you need, while starting sentences with “you” come across as accusatory or defensive. It is important to discuss legitimate concerns with your partner, but the key is to complain without blaming them (How to fight smarter: Soften your start-up).
Another way of using “I” statements is by naming the emotion you’re feeling, such as “I feel anxious” or “I feel ignored” instead of “you make me anxious” and “you’re ignoring me.” Emotion statements let your partner know your mental state without accusing them of causing it, and they also display self-reflection and your ability to recognize your own feelings (Gregg).
Being polite and appreciative
Using simple manners and politeness is a great way to address your concerns in a way that doesn’t feel like an attack. Adding words like “please” and “thank you” as well as affirming your partner—saying “I would appreciate it if…” or “I understand that…”—make the conversation a lot less tense and a lot more open. Another big aspect of being polite is the tone we use when confronting our partner: it is incredibly important to speak softly, calmly, and kindly. When we utilize a softer tone, our partner is more likely to be receptive to our opinions (How to fight smarter: Soften your start-up).
Asking open-ended questions
Another way to incorporate positive language is to ask your partner questions, such as “How are you feeling right now?” or “Can you explain why you did this so I can understand it better?” Asking questions shows that you are curious about your partner’s feelings and intentions, rather than making assumptions about them (Gregg). In addition, their answer to your question may provide you with more insight of their headspace and thought process, which generates more mutual understanding and empathy. Even if you disagree with your partner, you at least understand where they’re coming from.
Examples of positive non-verbal communication and active listening
Facial expressions
The face you make when your partner is speaking, while not actual language, conveys a lot and can be perceived by your partner as a sign of how you’re feeling, even if that isn’t your intention. It is important to use positive facial expressions—a gentle smile, a soft gaze, maintaining eye contact—compared to apathetic facial expressions—blank stares—or even negative facial expressions—furrowed brows or frowns (Gregg). Of course, it is difficult to control the face we make, but try your best to convey that you are taking in what they are saying rather than being annoyed by it.
Body language
Non-verbal cues like facing your partner, leaning into them, or nodding your head as they speak can show that you are active in the conversation and care about what they are saying. By contrast, facing away from them or crossing your arms tells your partner that you are closed off and not receptive to what they are saying (Gregg).
Reflecting back what you hear & validating
When your partner is saying something and takes a pause, instead of jumping in with your opinion, try repeating what they said to show that you listened and understood: “So you felt overwhelmed because you had a bad day at work.” Additionally, agreeing and understanding are two different things. You don’t have to agree with your partner, but simply validating them by saying “I understand why you felt that way” makes them feel seen and heard (Gregg).
Different conflict resolution strategies
While all of these examples of positive language are helpful, sometimes we do have to adjust the way we manage a conflict based on its severity. A study from 2017 examined the most beneficial type of communication when solving conflicts and found that the answer changes depending on the severity of the conflict.
The image below shows the 4 different types of communication indicated in the study: direct opposition, direct cooperation, indirect opposition, and indirect cooperation.
The study found that direct opposition is the best choice when serious problems need to be addressed, while direct cooperation is best for handling minor issues. Indirect opposition and indirect cooperation were both more ineffective methods of conflict resolution. Essentially, the key to conflict resolution is directness (Overall & McNulty).
explaining why we use negative language
It would be ideal if we always used positive language, but the reality is that sometimes we don’t, and instead we use negative language: “you” statements, name-calling, sarcasm, yelling, etc.
There is, however, a psychological phenomenon that explains why we use negative language in many cases. Cognitive dissonance, as defined by the American Psychological Association, is “a theory proposing that people have a fundamental motivation to maintain consistency among elements in their cognitive systems” (Cognitive dissonance theory). When we don’t maintain that consistency, we feel uncomfortable and try to reduce that uncomfortable feeling. Put simply, when our actions don’t align with our beliefs—for example, we may believe that we are a good person, but we did something bad—we feel immense discomfort and do anything to make it go away—denying that our action was bad, justifying it, blaming someone else, etc.
In romantic relationships, we use negative language, such as avoiding accountability or blaming others, because we want to reduce our cognitive dissonance. We see ourselves as a caring partner, but our partner claims we hurt them, and this mismatch makes us try to deny the hurtful thing we did. This can manifest in the opposite way as well—to avoid the discomfort of acknowledging relationship issues, we may minimize problems as “no big deal” (Koehler).
how to come back from negative language
It is important to recognize that cognitive dissonance is completely natural, normal, and human. When our negative language stems from a place of cognitive dissonance, it means that we are not coming from a place of malicious intent. When you make the mistake of using negative language, don’t interpret this as a moral failing but instead recognize that it is your brain’s defense mechanism. Still, while cognitive dissonance explains negative language, it does not excuse it. If you notice yourself engaging in negative language or if your partner points it out to you, simply apologize and rephrase what you were trying to say.
ways to avoid negative language
Think before you speak
Because negative language is often the natural response due to cognitive dissonance, it might be the first thing that comes to mind. In order to avoid using negative language, practice speaking slower and thinking before speaking in order to phrase your feelings with positive language.
Take breaks
A longitudinal study from the Gottman Institute gave couples 30 minutes to read magazines after 15 minutes of arguing. When they began the conversation again, their heart rates were lower and therefore the interaction was more positive and productive. Taking a break from a heated argument using negative language—they recommend at least 20 minutes—allows both partners to psychologically soothe themselves with a hobby or calming activity, decreasing the likelihood of negative language when the conversation continues (The four horsemen: The antidotes).
Using the antidotes to the Four Horsemen
The Gottman Institute, which is an organization that conducts relationship research and offers resources to couples, identifies 4 examples of negative language that they refer to as the Four Horsemen. They provide a specific “antidote” for each example, shown in the image below (The four horsemen: The antidotes).
how couples counseling can help
Couples counseling is a great way to address communication issues in relationships. By providing a structured environment for communication, couples are able to practice using positive language, which makes it more likely for them to use it outside of therapy as well. Therapists help slow down conversations, which reduces the frequency of negative language, help identify recurring issues, and help each person express themselves more clearly and more positively.
Crucially, couples counseling is not about determining who is “right” in the argument. Instead, it is about equipping both partners with the tools to communicate effectively and understand each other more.
If you’re ready to take the next step, our therapists at Georgia Family Therapy provide couples counseling specialized in improving communication. We are located in Sandy Springs and we are easily accessible to the Atlanta area. Schedule a free 15-minute consultation right now at https://www.georgiafamilytherapy.com/free-consultation or by phone at 678-888-1717.
sources
Cognitive dissonance theory. (2018, April 19). American Psychological Association . https://dictionary.apa.org/cognitive-dissonance-theory
Gregg, J. (2025, October 22). The role of communication in relationships: Why it matters more than you think. Center For Improving Relationships. https://centerforimprovingrelationships.com/communication-in-relationships/
How to fight smarter: Soften your start-up. (2013, March 15). The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/softening-startup/
Koehler, J. (2024, June 6). The effects of cognitive dissonance on romantic relationships. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-school-walls/202406/the-effects-of-cognitive-dissonance-on-romantic-relationships
Overall, N., & McNulty, J. (2017, February 13). What type of communication during conflict is beneficial for intimate relationships? National Institute of Health. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5181851/
Rogers, S. L., Howieson, J., & Neame, C. (2018). I understand you feel that way, but I feel this way: The benefits of I-language and communicating perspective during conflict. PeerJ, 6(1). National Institute of Health. https://doi.org/10.7717/peerj.4831
The four horsemen: The antidotes. (2013, April 26). The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/
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